


Wade’s classified Wasteland survival guide

by CopicsForNameless



Category: Fallout 3, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Andrew Garfield spiderman, Cross Over, Fallout AU, M/M, Oh man back at it again huh?, Slow Burn, Spider-Man Freeform, Unfinished, also Andrew is my Spider-Man of choice, lemme know if you want me to tag anything, nothing against Tom Holland he’s great but like, right - Freeform, so tommy wasn’t around yet, this was written right after the movies came put, wastland
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:13:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26000197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CopicsForNameless/pseuds/CopicsForNameless
Summary: When Wade Wilson sat at his favourite underground bar, he never thought he’d hear the voice of reason. And even if you told him he wouldn’t have listened, cause that would have been reasonable wouldn’t it?But that’s exactly what happened. Bored out of his mind and more than a little buzzed wade played with the buttons on his pipboy. And when that pop of static brought in the unfamiliar voice of one unfamiliar Spider-Man wade didn’t worry too much about it. Because at least he wasn’t bored now.
Relationships: Peter Parker/Wade Wilson
Comments: 7
Kudos: 7





	1. The fallout before the storm

**Author's Note:**

> Hey probably won’t finish this, cause I wrote it FOUR years ago and haven’t touched it since but I thought I’d at least leave it out there to see the light of day.

“Hello Radroaches and tumbleweeds, this is your friendly neighbourhood Spiderman coming to you live from fifty feet under the sky,” a breath, like he just had to catch it. But a little too downcast. “Even if I’m the only alive thing out there... boy is it a nice day for an existential crisis!”

“Hate to disagree with you kid but the weather’s shit, and any time’s a good time for a crisis."

There was a heavy pause over the radio, thicker than the first, then something crashed and the guy shouted. The next minute the connection was switched off, silencing the swears from the other line.

With a snort Wade turned the radio back to GNR, and locked his fingers behind his head. That was enough fiddling with his radio for one day. He needed to get some sleep if he was going to clear out that outpost tomorrow.

%*.0000000. 1000. 00.*%

01110*#£*11111

*#.100010010000000. 0.#*

The next house call came a week later, just as Wade had begun to chalk it up to an elaborate hallucination. 

But when GNR had started to fuzz at the edges, the dead channel piped up. 

“Goooood morning all you radroaches and tumbleweeds! and since I wont see ya, good afternoon, good evening and goodnight. This is your friendly neighbourhood Spiderman coming at you as the only alive thing for miles.”

“Man you can talk! I bet the trick is getting you to shut up.”

Al gave him a long pitying look, but she quickly adverted her eyes in favour of cleaning the cups and manning her bar. It wasn't like it was uncommon to see Wade talk to himself, the good people of the underworld got used to it ages ago. He glared at the back of her head but let it go. 

“I… Excuse me?” The line pipped up. Wade focused on his glass as he swished the contents around. It pulled off the remaining dust and debris into the drink. Yuck.

“If people let you, you just go for it, don't you? You're running a radio station, not a marathon.”

Wade tipped his head back and took a swig of his whiskey. He caught the muffled laughter before Spiderman bit it back, and composed himself again. Short but sweet.

“How are you high jacking my station?”

"Oh I'm full of surprises, you should see me with a frying pan, that's where the real magic happens,” Deadpool boosted, an easy smirk overtaking his face. he hid the exposed part of it behind his glass. “I make a mean bramhan milk pancake.” 

“A what?”

“Yeesh what area the teaching you youngings?” Wade said in mock horror. He put on his best old geyser voice and waited for the easy laugh to come through. 

He wasn't disappointed when the snort greeted him. 

“Oh I get it. You're one of those mad geniuses aren't you?”

“And you're one of those ass kissers huh? Great you can be my assistant then.” The noise Spiderman let out sounded a lot like what someone rolling their eyes would. Scoff and everything. But Deadpool smirked anyway.

“See you around doc.” He sassed before he switched the line off.

%*.0000000. 1000. 00.*%

01110*#£*11111

*#.100010010000000. 0.#*

When GNR was gone for good Wade didn't really notice or care. He hadn't listened to the station for awhile, and hadn't mourned any loss of entertainment. Wade had spoken with Spiderman any chance he could get, and hardly switched between stations at all. 

“Hey this is your friendly neighbourhood Spiderman reporting live from the scene.”

A smile crossed wade’s lips as his hand radio picked up the familiar connection. 

“Sup Spiderman, not so confidant now that you know you got a live audience?” Wade rested his arm into a more comfortable position. He could sit at his post all night if he really wanted too, he had before. So he could spare a couple minutes to talk to the kid. Especially because he wanted to.“Run outta things to say?”

“Maybe I'm just changing up my intro...” He said sourly, all in good nature though. Wade cocked an eyebrow then snorted. “Hey… What you did with your raido was pretty nifty, but how'd you boost your signal out into the wastes? Did you find a connection to some remaining equipment, or maybe even a station that's survived the blast, or--?”

Spiderman’s question lost some of its initial vigour, and in the end it nearly died out to a mumble, before cutting off completely. The quiet didn’t last. Maybe he was left waiting to long because in the next minute Spiderman rushed to fill up that silence. 

“I mean no one will get through my firewalls, and since the overseerer doesn’t know about my station Im A safe source. So I don’t need to know… but… anyway who would look out at the wastes? Your basically Scott free out there.”

“I got through.” He taunted a smirk edging into his features. 

“Yea well, you’re the exception to the rule, and I’ve patched them since.”

Wade imagined in perfect clarity spiderman’s pompous expression. he rolled his eyes. 

“Making me think you're smart, doesn't actually make you smart.”

“No I guess it would just make you an idiot, Huh?.”

A playful smile popped up in Spidey’s voice. Wade focused more on the cross hairs of his weapon, and the target boxed in by them. -and how oddly pretty she was when her red hair wiped wildly around her. In a ‘get to close and you’ll get your ass kicked, sort of way.’ 

“Hey! I detest that. And you know what? I don't think you're smart. and now I never will because you’ve insulted me..” 

Under a kilometre away the target, Roma, seemed to get angsty after that. Sound carried on empty nights. Especially when idiot mercenaries came a crosshairs away from shouting.

Spiderman snickered. 

Red’s worry got the best of her, and she called each of her five attack dogs close to her. 

“C’mon teach. Tell me how you got your signal to appear out there in the wastes.”

She reached her hands out to pet the dogs, and the change in their stance was instantaneous. As soon as she touched them they went from alert and dangerous to snuffling puppies. Wade could almost hear the air swishing as they wagged their tails.

“You wish, your problem is you have a one track mind. Go learn about guns or something for a bit.” 

Roma patted the pups before sending them off in the opposite direction. Just to ensure they were really gone Wade followed them all the way up the hill until the last of the wagging tails disappeared behind it. What type of idiot left themselves entirely defenceless in the middle of the night? 

“Where’s the fun in that?” By some higher power, Wade kept quiet. Maybe he swallowed his tongue, or forgotten how to form words, but whatever it was Wade got so caught up in keeping his cover that he forgot it was his turn to keep up the banter. Spiderman took up the mantle. “Okay, okay. I'll drop it, it's just, it's cool right? We’re sticking it to the man going where no one has gone before. At least not in several centuries. Scientists unite!” The nerd joked easily. God 

Wade swallowed past the lump growing in his throat. Maybe his Mark wasn’t defenceless, maybe they weren’t an ex-criminal who thought they could cheat death. Maybe they were staring death straight in his ugly face. And his mark? she looked ready to rumble.

“I don’t know who you are, not really, but I’m sure whatever you’re doing, it’s-“ his voice drowned out. The seconds slowed. The entire world closed in around Wade, and zeroed into that reserved stare. It was just him and Roma, and Spiderman but he was a million miles away. He didn’t feel far away. “ and I’m glad. Glad I got to be your understudy. But Deadpool?” Spiderman paused as if waiting for an answer, maybe he knew he’d never get one, maybe he hadn’t wanted one in the first place. Wade’s hand shook. “I'm going to give you a run for your money.” 

With a grunt and kiss goodbye in the direction of three-hundred caps, Wade dropped his sniper from Roma’s head and hastily packed it away. The kid had no clue how right he was.

“Well, I should go, but uh, if you ever feel like picking up where we left off, class starts at 8:00pm… it's been nice,”

“It was just a fluke.” Wade turned from the scene and stalked away into the night. Stomping like a child who had a tantrum, maybe that’s what he was. 

“What…?”

“This radio thing, I did it on accident you fucking dork. I was messing around with this thing and I don't know how I did it. So, your smarter then me. Congrats.”

“Oh…”

Wade was almost far enough that he wouldn't be able to see the stupid shack anymore, he just had to keep going, so long as he didn't look back. But apparently he was a complete fucking idiot, because that was exactly what he did. 

“Well that’s what science is right? Trail and error? I guess I'll just have to follow in those footsteps, won't I?”

He watched the red head greet her first dog back with open arms. The others filed in one by one. It was hardly a clear picture, but it was probably a real nice one. She must have called them back the minute she picked out the retreating outline of Wade's back. 

“Good luck with that.”

“And so the student becomes the teacher.” Wade dropped his head in his hand and snorted despite himself.

“God you got a teacher fetish or something?” Wade snipped. He turned around again, reached down and with a little click shut the signal off before Spiderman before could stop laughing and do it himself. Wade disappeared into the night.


	2. Killjoys make some noise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heh so there’s times I call them mirelurks and use the real name, or times I call them mirklurks (murklurks) which is what I called them as a kid. Cause they murk in the lurk.

It turns out, as it would; that classes were canceled that season.

Wade found himself almost obsessively fiddling with the radio those days. It had gotten him funnier looks than usual; and on more than one occasion, it got him a bullet in his ass too.

But it wasn't like he couldn't shovel his way out of it. So he kept fiddling with that radio and kept getting disappointed every time he was met with static. 

two weeks had passed by with no response. Wade stayed diligent. Even though every spec of common sense he had told him one thing, he ignored the little voice of reason in his head. It never said anything nice anyway. Sure, he knew that two weeks with no contact usually made for one very dead wastelander. 

But Despite popular belief dead-pool wasn't stupid.

Of course, that could be debated, when he did stupid stuff like falL INTO A MIRKLURK NEST!

Rolling onto his left he managed to narrowly escape the impact of a giant crab. It threw all its energy into the attack and crashed into a clutch of eggs. 

A green slime burst from those eggs and covered both deadpool and the predator. Deadpool hardly held back a gag, the feel was eggy, but the stench was rotten. 

The mirklurk wailed and straightened itself to its full height. In Anger? Yea probably that. Deadpool was scared shitless.

He screamed. That scream alerted every mirklurk in the nest. They turned in unison, Deadpool waved, then he booked it for the nearest exit.

Which was blocked, of course it was blocked. It was the wasteland after all. The mirklurk in front of him crouched low to the ground, readying itself for it's oncoming opponent. 

In one fluid movement, he shifted, pulled out his gun and continued to run as he shot out an entire clip of bullets into its face.

It let off what could only be described as a scream, Deadpool screamed back. The sound was somewhere between a battle cry and a little girls cry. All the bullets did was piss the mirklurk off. 

Deadpool slammed into the crab, and the impact knocked the air out of his own chest. Bones ground against each other and the hard shell of the mirklurk, but it kept its pinchers from snipping at him. It had also sent the crab on its ass—back… Shell? Whatever the door was cleared.

He threw himself through it and scrambled to block the entrance. In seconds he had a working barricade in place. The mirklurks slammed their bodies against the other side of the door. 

Deadpool let himself breath for a moment. Once the blood stopped rushing in his ears and he caught his breath he moved on.

He creeped down a corridor of stairs, the mirklurks had been stupid enough to lose sight of him so—Oh! stupid! Right! 

Deadpool wasn't stupid, he had put two and two together about the Spiderguy and his radio station. 

He had no clue about the world outside his station and it wasn't just his stage persona talking. He literally had no clue about the world outside his station. He always talked about bouncing signals or whatever, out there. He had all these funny words for gadgets, but didn’t get wasteland talk. And he had the dreamer idealistics that only came from a certain breed of people.

He was inside a vault. No doubt about it.

Some of them were still standing—or burrowing out there. Yes, sometimes walking into a vault was like walking in a -tech tomb, but a semi-crappy functioning vault was always better than the wastes. Even in all their radiated glory. 

And everyone had grown up on the stories, of those heros who waltzed out of some such vault every couple o’ decades, and set the wastes right again. 

Like that ever happened outside of campfire stories.

But it did mean that the kid’s chances after two weeks of silence; weren’t exactly zero. They weren't high by any standards… and got increasingly lower with time. But a chance was a chance, and Deadpool would take it.

Groaning internally he stepped into the mirky waters, and clamped a hand firmly over his nose. All he could smell was rotten eggs, and for a minute he caught himself worrying over the colonies overall health. Then he remembered they were trying to kill him

Dodging behind a pillar Deadpool barely missed a mirklurk’s line of sight. His breathing slowed a few paces and he listened into the depths for its retreating footsteps.

Instead he heard a pop of static. Then the familiar voice of a total idiot washed over him, and echoed throughout the cavern.

The one time he takes his headphones out, because the lines were dead, and it kills him. Fantastic.

“Of all the god-awful timing!”

“—friendly neighbourhood Spiderman here to say—I'm sorry?”

%*.0000000. 1000. 00.*%

01110*#£*11111

*#.100010010000000. 0.#*


	3. Two ghouls walk into a bar

Wade Winston Wilson stomped into Megaton, the towns folk dodged out of his way. Vanessa had tripped herself up doing just that, But he didn't even stop to chuckle. Or help her up. Both of which were entirely out of character. 

“N’ all he says is; M’sorry?!”

He slammed the door open to St. Francis and basically threw himself into a chair. It hadn't even been unoccupied; the person in it had just been kind enough to scurry up and all but run to the other side of the room. God forbid they get a lap full of someone.

“Fuckin’ better be sorry.”

He grumbled and slapped down his money, Bob tentatively placed a drink in front of him. He ignored that Wade hadn’t ordered yet, and hadn't even put down enough for a drink.

“Nothing. Nothing for two weeks! Makes me worry. Then he shows up out of the blue and freakin’ sets off party poppers in a nest of baddies!” 

He kept talking as he swung his good-arm back to down his drink. He garbled both the drink and his words. The other arm dripped blood onto the ratty flooring at an alarming rate. 

“With his stupid voice and witty comebacks.”

Bob looked like he wanted to say something, but thought better of it. He looked to the other people in the bar for help. 

He didn't get any. Bob smiled not unkindly. “That sounds uh, dreadful Mr. Wilson?” Bob offered for him to go on, but he looked like he'd rather evaporate into thin air, or for that bomb to finally go off. Then listen to Wade go off.

Instead Wade yanked up the bottom of his shirt to reveal one gruesome gash in his already gruesome torso. But he was a good business man, and always gave the people what they wanted. Even when they didn’t know they wanted it yet.

“You see what he did?!” Especially if they didn’t know it yet.

Bob’s shaky smile dropped instantly, and His face blanched an unnatural shade of white. Maintaining some class, and the contents in his stomach; he stuttered out apologies. Then he fled the bar into a back room.

###

Maybe reaching over the counter for a drink of his own wasn't Wade's brightest idea. But he was a thirsty man. And access to water was a human right he would not be denied. It wasn't his fault that this water was beered down. 

It landed him on his ass outside of the bar, with a month long ban to show for his efforts.

He grunted and slapped a hand firmly on said ass, Wade got up and walked away from st Francis. He was still rubbing the sore muscle when he left town, and he was most definitely still pouting.

“I will have words with you Spiderman. WORDS!”

%*.0000000. 1000. 00.*%

01110*#£*11111

*#.100010010000000. 0.#*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so gob was like my favorited character in fallout. I thought it was funny his name was so close to bob so now that’s who he is.


	4. Hopeful abandon

%*.0000000. 1000. 00.*%

01110*#£*11111

*#.100010010000000. 0.#*

The words came two days later, when Wade was in a much better mood. He had his feet kicked back and was watching some newbies try and kill some low level critters.

It was the most entertaining thing he'd done all day. 

“hey tumbleweeds, this is your friendly neighbourhood Spiderman, making a house call to the notorious wasteland survival guy.”

Second most.

Wade’s entire body dipped into itself as he relaxed, and an easy smile filled his features. 

“Didn’t know you were in that line of business doctor.”

“When I said you were a mad-scientist you could of corrected me on the scientist part.” Spiderman cut in, his voice wasn't cold but Wade froze in his spot all the same. “Your station isn't the only mystery in the wastes.”

“You said genius… actually.” suddenly the two people running away from bloat-flies wasn't so funny anymore. His expression hardened and he readied himself for what was coming. “It sure took you long enough.”

Spiderman swallowed, took a deep breath, and then another. “There isn't supposed to be anything out there. We've been told our whole lives that we’re all that's left.”

“That's quite the bubble to burst. It's an honour for me to be the one to do it, baby boy.” Wade said in a grave tone. Spiderman was quiet, tentative maybe. Or maybe he was just realizing the reality of his situation. Then he laughed. 

“Don't be so coincided. Why would I do all the work it takes to set up a radio station, that can only be heard outside my vault, if I didn't think there was something out there to hear it?” 

Wade was quiet a moment, he sat back in the busted chair he had dragged into his rusted camper. Contemplative. The kid had a point.

Wade’s mouth opened before he could tell himself to close it. “Hope?”

%*.0000000. 1000. 00.*%

01110*#£*11111

*#.100010010000000. 0.#*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter I know, my bad. They’ll vary in length from time to time.


	5. One flew over the cuckoo’s nest

%*.0000000. 1000. 00.*%

01110*#£*11111

*#.100010010000000. 0.#*

“Uncle Ben… oh god oh god uncle Ben. He isn't moving… He isn't breathing—they—they killed him. Oh god it's my fault, this is all my fault.”

Wade was forced to sit through the pause; forced to listen to the watery tone, and he couldn't do a damn thing. It sounded like Spiderman’s entire life was was falling apart and Wade was entirely useless.

But what else was new.

“What do I.. I can't stay here—“ it was panic, and it wasn’t fully coherent. But then it was steady resolve and a tone Wade had heard in those about to pull a trigger. And it didn’t fucking suit Spiderman . “I have to prove that they… my dads theory’s we’re right, and if I prove it if I can ever-“ a choked sound came from him, and it wasn’t exactly not a sob. 

This wasn’t their usual back and forth banter. This line only went one way, and it was long dead. 

“Whoever did this to you, I’m going to make them pay.”

Wade buried his face in his hands and tried not to focus on how the next words were spoken in a barely audible whisper. Tried to pretend the footsteps approaching over the intercom were imaginary. Or something from his end. Ignored the frantic calls of get him, he’s over here! The running, the screams around Spider-Man as he ran threw panic and people dying. Wade held his breath like it would change the ending. 

“This isn’t right, It isn’t right, everything went wrong.” He whispered, frantically. He sounded crazy, and crazy recognizes crazy. “They knee. They knew didn’t they? You and mom… you didn’t just leave and uncle Ben knew it.” 

A million miles away, down in the depths of the earth, and stuck in a different time. Spiderman lifted his head. Resolved. 

“You’re theories were right.” Those were the last words Spiderman said before he was silenced by metal painfully screeching against itself. It was like a scream, and it was the last and only thing that filled his line before he crawled out of his grave, into what could only be his death. The wastes weren’t kind to no man. 

Two weeks with no contact in the wastes was a death sentence for any wastelander. The kid had spent his entire life safe and snug in the undergrounds. He wouldn't last two days. 

Wade gripped tighter onto the radio to the recording with no time stamp. then turned towards the only other eyesore for miles. 

%*.0000000. 1000. 00.*%

01110*#£*11111

*#.100010010000000. 0.#*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Science!

**Author's Note:**

> Good morning! And if I don’t see ya, good evening and good night.


End file.
